Save your breath when you keep trying to help people take off in life and they start treating you different. You know when you’re being dissed because you’re not going along with the status quo anymore and you’re actually telling people the real deal. That’s when people want to act all funny with you. It’s called reverse psychology when people try to make you feel bad for calling them on their crap. It’s a great way to see what kind of person you’re dealing with when telling them the truth makes them stop wanting to be around you. See, when a person genuinely wants to grow and go somewhere better in life, they will do whatever they have to do to see radical change take place. When they don’t, they’ll try to make it seem like you hurt their feelings or you did something wrong. There are some seriously manipulative people out here! These streets aren’t safe. You can’t be friends with people these days anymore when you speak up and say naw, that’s not cool. They will literally start trying to give you the cold shoulder and limit their access to you when you cross them and tell them they’re responsible for all their problems. They will start to deal with you like you’re a bad person instead of addressing their stuff.
I’ve noticed that a lot of people are actually in love with their toxic life. I was watching this show about people with strange addictions and the lady on it was addicted to eating mattresses. Even though she knew it was not a healthy move, she couldn’t stop. She had eaten a total of eight mattresses and was now sneaking in her Mom’s bedroom to eat hers too. This blew me away and I saw it as such a dramatic illustration on how faulty thinking can get so out of control. When you get to the place where you can’t stop doing the very things that are destroying you, that’s when you need a friend that will hold you accountable. But that’s too much for people who love their toxic life.
When you love your toxic life you make enemies out of people who try to warn you that you’re headed down a dangerous path. Even this lady who couldn’t stop eating mattresses had a brother who was genuinely there for her. He was constantly trying to get her to stop but she wouldn’t listen. She wouldn’t get any help. He said he felt completely helpless watching his sister destroy her insides consuming all these mattresses. He went onto say that he knows it’s only a matter of time before the effects of his sister’s strange addiction would be catastrophic. He didn’t want to see things end bad for his loved one, but what more could he do?
Many of you are at the same place as this brother today. You want people that you love to stop taking in and taking on things that are detrimental to their well being. But let’s be honest, you can’t control anyone but yourself. When we start talking about making someone else stop doing what they love doing- we are probably setting ourselves up for a lot of heartache and frustration. The bottom line is – YOU CANNOT MAKE ANYONE CHANGE THEIR MIND! If people you love want to destroy themselves, as much as you want to nag, scream, preach and cry; they will not change until they want to. In the meantime, if you’re aiding them in their dysfunction, you’re part of the problem too. If there’s someone you think you’re so responsible for and they don’t listen to any wisdom or sound advice, stop 🛑. Stop helping. Stop talking. Stop giving. Move out of the way so they can come to themselves.
In the meantime, find a sense of purpose for your life outside of your dysfunctional family or friends. Get a hobby. Volunteer somewhere and make a difference. Find something to do with your time other than trying to fix someone who enjoys being broken. Leave delusional people alone with their lies and let them figure it out. After you’ve talked and talked yourself until you’re blue in the face, Try this. “Oh, so you think doing that is normal?” Ask them if they really want to handle the consequences of living such a reckless life? And if you see them continuing in their destructive behavior, back away and MIND YOUR BUSINESS.
It’s not your job to manage the life of another person anyway. I have three children, two are adults and one is 17. I have no say over what they do and how they live. They make their own choices and even the 17 year old knows we don’t make her do anything. She has to decide her path. We are only here to support her and offer wisdom, not force it down her throat. Some people think they’re supposed to force their views on others. They think well, that’s my family. But family doesn’t mean ownership. You actually don’t own anyone but yourself. Slavery is illegal. But if you’re in a cult family, you probably think everyone owns each other. What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. There’s no self definition and what’s worse, NO RESPECT FOR INDIVIDUALITY.
If everyone in your family needs to do what you or the cult family leader says, that’s a toxic system. Cult families control people so much that many of them end up finding themselves addicted. Addiction ends up being the only way to cope with the unhealthy system of control. Why should people have to check in with someone at the “top” for approval if they’re free? A lot of cult- ish families are over close to the point of it being weird, almost like there is some kind of emotional incest or actual incest. This is not good for someone who says their going places. It’s also not good for your mental health to be so fused with other people where there is no individuality or authenticity from you. When people only believe what their mother and father taught them to believe, something is not normal about that. Where’s your brain? When do you think for yourself? When do you live your life? It’s possible that you could be strangely addicted to your family of origin. That’s what codependency is. It’s the abnormal need for approval from another source to the point of addiction.
Break away from obligatory attachments, set some boundaries, decide what you want your life to look like and articulate it. Then look around and see who’s still there. Refuse to sit there and watch people destroy their lives. Make a decision that your peace and sanity is not up for debate. You have the potential and gifting to go somewhere amazing, but the only way to do that is to challenge your faulty thinking, commit to some healthy friendships and do the work to see a better life. You need support to take off in life and that’s why you can’t afford to sit around and watch people carry on with their strange addictions. That’s not good for you to keep seeing. If people want to be weird leave them alone to do it. You have a great future ahead of you and you can’t allow their abnormal thinking to make you think this stuff is normal. Some of these people you’re entangled with are messed up. Not that they can’t be saved, but let’s be real; do they want to? Be honest. They’re not even trying to get their lives on track and so now you have to ask yourself is your always being available for them actually helping enable them?
This year is almost over. Get your priorities in order. Move forward with your life and refuse to wait for people who want to be weird to catch up.
Copyright ©️ Sherry Grant 2019
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