People will be mad at you when you make a decision to work on yourself and grow. When you decide to leave dysfunction behind, not everyone will be happy for you. Believe it or not, some people will be downright angry when you take off. When you decide you no longer want to do the tango with manipulative people and play games anymore, there will be some real life turbulence.
That uneasiness will decrease the more self defined you become and the more you create boundaries that honor your needs. Some people will call you mean, selfish, unchristian. So what! That’s nothing more than classic manipulation. Don’t fall for the gaslighting. The basis of most dysfunctional codependent relationships is that one person is constantly meeting the needs of another while their own needs are going unmet. That’s an unequal relationship doomed for failure and whether the abuse be financial, emotional, abuse of your time or resources; the narcissist is never going to stop needing you to supply them with more. It’s never enough!
So the more you gain the strength to say no and the more you gain the confidence to raise your standards and stick with your new value system; expect the backlash to intensify. It’s coming but you will come out better. The rage from them has to get worse before it gets better because you’re breaking a toxic pattern. But the better off you’ll be no matter how difficult it may get while in the storm. As you stick to your new values you will begin to teach these people how you expect to be treated. The ones who value you, will get over it and stay. The narcissistic ones will decide they only want to win and have control, so they will move onto to someone else they can do that with. They don’t value anyone. Sadly, there are so many grown people who behave this way. But you don’t have to engage in any relationship that dishonors your values.
Crazy how some of you act as if you’re being forced to participate in the relationships you’re in. That’s far from the truth. The only reason some people call you is because you still answer their calls. The only reason some people meet you for dinner is because you keep agreeing to go. The only reason you spend time at their house is because you got your grown tail in your car and drove there and now you have the audacity to complain about a decision you made? You ought to be ashamed of yourself for being so disingenuous. Be honest and stop placing the responsibility on other people for your happiness. Instead of blaming people for making your life miserable; take responsibility for giving them access to do it. That’s actually what people who are emotionally mature do.
Emotionally mature people say what they feel when they believe it’s going to be heard and respected. Then they will sincerely look for respectful ways to resolve conflict. Emotionally immature people on the other hand, like to keep mess going. Definitely not a practice of someone going anywhere great. George Bernard Shaw has a profound saying I love so much. It basically says “if you wrestle with a pig you’ll both get dirty; but the pig enjoys it.” This wrestling in the mud concept is sooo good because it literally describes the way some people handle themselves everywhere they go. They simply seem to enjoy dirt and mess. They love gossip and drama. They love competing and stirring up nonsense. I personally find it and people like this extremely exhausting. I’m too busy enjoying being creative and helping people ascend. I’m too focused on pursuing a life of possibilities, peace and happiness. I absolutely love being in atmospheres and environments full of inspiration and encouragement. I prefer steering clear of people who enjoy mud.
There’s a popular technique in psychology called Observe but don’t Absorb. This is such a powerful stance to take when dealing with people who love to keep drama aka mud going. Just sit there and watch them. Stay calm. Don’t say a thing. No need to respond, they’re having fun. Don’t engage emotionally and invest your time. Just observe them and don’t absorb any of it. Especially when you haven’t done anything to them and you know they are only trying to lure you into their pig pen of mess. Do your absolute best to resist the need to see what’s wrong with them. Resist the need to make peace with them. You didn’t do anything wrong to them! And please remember, they love this mess. They want you in the pig pen with them so they can keep you muddy. The difference is, you want something else from your relationships. You don’t want to control people. You don’t want to pull people into anything. You just want a normal relationship, but that’s unrealistic when you’re dealing with a pig. Last piece of advice for my real life coachable friends – Change your expectation. Don’t lower your expectations, just change them. A pig can only be a pig. They will often never change, but great if they do. At the end of the day, their transformation is not your responsibility anyway. You keep working on you. You keep on learning to love yourself better. Keep learning new ways to honor your needs and watch your life take off. I guarantee you, God is going to send genuine, normal people into your life who relate to you from a place of mutual respect and care.
Copyright ©️ Sherry Grant 2019
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