I stood on my deck this morning while I watched my shitzu wander all around my yard trying to find a place to “do her business.” She was literally all over the place, completely conflicted about where to go. Her uncertainty about where she would end up feeling the most comfortable made me think about how many of us are the same when it comes to any and every decision we have to make. Sometimes it takes me forever to pick out a color of polish for my nails, let alone handle the important stuff in my life. This made me think – Is there really any decision we make that’s not important?
Isn’t everything we decide a big deal? Furthermore, what kind of person does that make you if you can’t decide on the small matters in your life? Doesn’t that make you someone who has an even harder time when it comes to the major decisions that need to made? The word that came to my mind immediately was AMBIVALENT.
having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.
Am I ambivalent? Surely I can’t be. Not the way I feel about people like this at this stage of my life. Ambivalent people don’t interest me at all in this phase of my journey. Ambivalence shows up in relationships, especially those close intimate ones when there is a coexistence of opposing emotions and desires towards the other person that creates an uneasiness, hesitancy or uncertainty about being in the relationship. Now I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m getting too old to be closely connected to people who aren’t decided about how they feel about me. To be honest, I was never the type to allow people to be grey with me. Especially when it comes to those who share a close relationship with me. I remember when I first started dating my husband. One of the first questions I asked him had to do with his timeline concerning marriage. His response was quick. In a pretty matter of fact tone he said “Maybe when I get in my forties,..then I’ll get married.” I remember calmly telling him this maybe our first and last date because I would by no means be his “girlfriend” for the next 25 years. Obviously, things changed because we have been married for 25 years now.
This wouldn’t have happen if I made him comfortable being ambivalent with me. Now I’m sure some of you are thinking that’s pretty bold. To demand marriage on a first date. I, on the other hand didn’t consider my questioning his intentions to be demanding his hand in marriage. I considered my upfront approach part of my responsibility. It’s what I owed myself. I deserved to know if this was someone worth my time. Was this someone that I could expect to spend more time with and actually enjoy it. Or was I being naive to think that we could end up going in the same direction without having some courageous conversations. Many of the disappointments we experience on this flight called life occur because we are often too afraid to ask for what we want. I guess we think people will magically know what we want without communication. That’s crazy. It would be as ridiculous as you or I getting on a plane and have no idea where it’s heading and then being disappointed or offended when we arrived somewhere we hate.
This is why I strongly suggest you who are going places in life, to ask a lot of questions. Think like a four year old when going somewhere you’ve never been. Ask a zillion questions. Questions give you the opportunity to learn what you’re dealing with. They help you hear the heart of the other person about things you would have never learned had you not probed deeper. Sadly, many of you have ended up with a lot of regret and pain because you were too afraid to ask. Too afraid to ask “Are you married?” Too afraid to ask “Do you have kids? ” Too afraid to ask” Is the person you had kids with a psycho?” “Are you a psycho?” “Do you have a bad temper?” “Is your family controlling?” “Do you have a job?” “Are you looking for love or help?” Please ask a lot of questions dear friends.
Even beyond romantic relationships, a lot of questions need to be asked. In building a business or a team ask questions. “Do you want to be me?” “Are you here to help or learn what took me years to learn and leave?” Are you in competition with me?” Ask them all the questions you can think of! Don’t allow people to sit and smile in your face and be silent. Silent people are conflicted people. The other side of that is that conflicted people are dangerous people. I often observe those who were once talkative and expressive become distant and apathetic. And that’s fine, but if they stay in that weird place they are toxic. If you’re going to move beyond that place of having toxic people on your “team,” hard questions must be asked and the ambivalent person must answer them. Otherwise you’re going nowhere with them. Often times, their silence is a sign of their cowardice and their absence of bravery to say what’s on their mind. It is also a dishonorable heart posture and is a serious issue that will effect your vision and your ultimate take off. Don’t be afraid to move on when it comes to these divided ambivalent people. Their confusion doesn’t need to be yours. Their imbalance and lack of honesty and transparency doesn’t have to interfere with your ascension. Don’t let it. Have the necessary talks and then go somewhere great!
So many times we waste precious time trying to rehabilitate people that don’t want to change. We spend our energy dealing with problematic people who never become profitable. It’s so sad that we can want better for people than they want for themselves. You are not called to win people who are not convinced that life is more than being two faced, fake and phony. You are not called to double minded people either. Their indecision is not your problem. Stop waiting for them to grow up and see that their hesitancy is a sign of their immaturity and their own internal crisis.
Please move on. It’s not good for your mental health to keep waiting on people who don’t want to go anywhere. Decide today who’s who in your life and then take off. You’ll feel a lot freer when you know what you’re really working with. You can do bad by yourself. Why have a bunch of dead weight around you? Their presence doesn’t equal their support either. Look at you still struggling with them right there. Some people get a kick out of watching you frustrated and mad. They’re getting paid to see you frustrated. If they were really supposed to be supporting you and helping you get to the next level then why is nothing changing? Why are you still trying to reach achievable goals all by yourself? Point blank you need to realize that when what people say and what they do is not adding up, they are not sincerely with you. I’m learning that. It’s a sobering lesson, but necessary. Have the talk today. And after this talk, don’t ever ask them again. If they’re with you, you’ll see. If they’re not, you’ll see that too. It’s impossible to go somewhere with someone who’s determined to go in the opposite direction. Ask some people who you think you’re traveling with – Are we going the same place or not?
You’ll be surprised what the response is.
Copyright ©️2019 Sherry Grant
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