Boundaries are a hot topic these days. Everyone is screaming “this is my boundary, that’s my boundary” and I am pretty sure most people have the concept completely misconstrued.
Healthy boundaries should make the relationship better. When I’m clear on what you want from me and you’re clear on what I want for you – everything should be organic. Things should flow naturally. But when I’m so stuck on how I need everything to be, I’m my own worst enemy.
So here’s what happens when people use boundaries to CONTROL other people – that’s when the relationship goes from good to bad. It’s no longer healthy when you feel like you’re dealing with a person who’s backed you into a wall. And now you’ve lost your ability to be your real and authentic self. You no longer have autonomy. Now you are just walking on egg shells in the name of their boundaries. Chile please. No one needs to live like that.
Especially if you’re not paying my bills or my spouse. And let’s be honest even then there’s something rotten in the mix. The spirit of manipulation is the problem when people want other people to make them happy and the boundary is more like an ultimatum. If you put stipulations on people to walk a tight rope to have you in their life, nine times out of ten if that person has self worth – they will kiss the fantasy of a happy and authentic relationship with you goodbye. They will resort to whatever coping measures they have to in order to “tolerate” you and you will know it.
Now before you get mad at them, are you willing to take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship? Are you willing to revisit your boundaries and make adjustments? Cause let’s be clear, you and I can make as many demands of people in our lives as we want. But at the end of the day – and let me say this in the most loving way possible – NO ONE HAS TO PUT UP WITH YOU AND YOUR UNREALISTIC BOUNDARIES.
I can march around my family and friends and even my job and rattle off my list of boundaries and non negotiable’s until I’m blue in the face. The bottom line is no one has to do anything I ask them to do. My concern for those of you who create these rigid boundaries for others and then you’re shocked by the kickback you receive is this – you’re coming off very controlling and at the core of the need to control others is deep rage and anger. That my friend is not good for your health.
Even if as you’re reading this you feel called out – I invite you to look within. Address your anger issues. Life is so much more enjoyable when we confront our own mentality and control our cognitive distortions as opposed to us trying to police and patrol others.
BREATHE in. BREATHE out. You’re loved. You’re valued. Maybe you’re just going about getting loved and making others respect you – the wrong way.
Sherry Grant Copyright @2023