i'm not mad. i'm a writer.

We were at a family member’s funeral and someone related to us got up to give remarks. They stood up with their chest out and said “I loved him because he never told me no and he always did whatever I wanted him to do!”

I was shook. Did he mean to say that out loud? I literally had second hand embarrassment because in my mind there is no way a grown man thinks it’s acceptable to stand up and confirm publicly that the only reason he loved another human being was because they met their needs and never said no to them. The point I’m making is, narcissistic, self centered, self absorbed people don’t have a healthy view of relationships or love.

They have this idea of love that only benefits them. Therefore, they only “love” people based off of how they serve them. On the other hand, healthy people look at others and say I love them because of who they are – not what they do. If they tell me no, I still love them. If they don’t agree with me, I can still be in a loving relationship with them. Sadly, many of us have become all too familiar with people who only love us to the degree that they can use us. It’s almost as if we are objects. Trinkets. Accessories. They look at their kids, friends, spouse as something they have dominance and control over. These kinds of people make relationships with others merely a bridge for them to get to their next destination. So, if you should happen to no longer serve them, they are off to the next dummy cause they almost always think they are superior to everyone. That’s the only way they can treat others like trash the way they do.

They usually have “friends” and family who they think they are better than. Their grandiosity is out of hand and it’s usually engraved in their personality starting at a young age. Their parents create these monsters and they have no self awareness of how they are so they just keep it going. It’s sad that some people are really this void of a conscience but when you look at the way they treat people you will always see a pattern of treating people poorly when they don’t do what they want. It’s sick and abusive.

So,…Is there any hope for these people? I don’t want to count anyone out so let me say this. If they go to therapy- A healthy church – find wise mentors and friends,… maybe yes. But they have to admit there is a deficit and that takes humility which is another thing selfish people don’t have. At the end of the day, you can’t want something for someone that doesn’t want it for themselves. So go ahead,… name one toxic person you know who’s willing to admit that they are? I’ll wait,….

Still didn’t come up with anyone did you? Me either and that’s the whole problem. They won’t admit it. They’ll never say I’m always taking from people and never looking for ways to value and honor others. Then to make matters worse, they always surround themselves with a bunch of yes people who enable their crap. It’s a hot mess when you see it. The best thing you can do is steer clear of trying to change them or convince them there is anything wrong. That’s only going to frustrate you even more.

Look at like this. They just are playing a different game with a set of different rules. They don’t play fair. So you are out here trying to be a decent person to them is fine for them. But what about when you expect them to extend that same love to you? They aren’t going to. Most of these people are very aggressive and ambitious and they like a lot of attention. So when you see that’s the make up of an adult who should be working on themselves but they aren’t – run! Don’t try to fix them. Don’t try to advise them. Don’t try rehabilitate them. You cannot rehabilitate a person who enjoys being demonic. Don’t cast your pearls before swine.

Take a deep breath and reset. There’s almost 8 billion people on this earth. Find your people. Find those who show you genuine love and respect. And whatever you do, don’t tolerate self absorbed people who only love you for what you can do for them. That’s not love.

Sherry Grant copyright © 2022

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