i'm not mad. i'm a writer.

Here’s what I am learning more and more each day especially as I hit the countdown to half way to 100 hundred years old. 🤣🤣

I was putting people first and I was last on their list. I was only on their radar to fill a need. Whew chile 🤦🏽‍♀️. I was constantly being the bigger person. I was the one calling to check on people who weren’t calling to check on me. I was giving my last dime and footing the bill and everyone was glad to be there to benefit from my generosity. I was consistently making room for people who weren’t making room for me. See, that’s the danger of being a “strong” person. The people around you forget you are a human being too. I was teaching people around me that my needs didn’t matter. They must have forgotten that I too have 3 dimensional needs like them. And the whole time I was operating like this, (mainly because of my religious programming) I thought this was the right thing to do. The whole time I was learning the hard way. I learned that the same people I was making a priority only wanted to make space for me when I was going out of my way for them. I was very disposable. My schedule needed to be open when they wanted my time, but their schedule was up in the air when it came to me. Sounds so sad to say it out loud but it was true. What was I thinking? I learned that the same people I was holding space for, respect for and love for didn’t have the same heart for me when the tables were turned.

I came to the conclusion that it was “every man for himself” when it came to the people that I was making a priority. I recently had another disappointing experience with someone that made me have to sit with it and process it for a few weeks and what I came away from it with was actually sobering and painful. I felt almost every range of emotions from anger, sadness, anxiety, regret,… you get the drift. But the bottom line is this; from it I decided no more one sided relationships. I won’t deal with that crap anymore. I learned that it’s not okay for me to make space for self absorbed- entitled people who have all these boundaries for me and yet they can’t respect me or my boundaries or needs. I also came to the conclusion that some people treat me like they’re doing me a favor by being in my life in whatever capacity they are in it. Insert laugh track! Absurd but this has to be the way they think because their actions and behavior prove this to be true. There are some family and friends who think supporting me in whatever they do is some kind of charity work. Whole time, there ain’t a person who’s been around me that I haven’t blessed their life. I say this in the most humble way, but if you was ever around me – you earned some wisdom some knowledge or some motivation. Period! Insert churchy organ!

At this point in my life my motto is “don’t do anything for me that you don’t really want to do from a genuine place!” Please don’t do me any favors. Just be a safe place or get away. Don’t be a chameleon who acts one way in one setting and then when you get around other people it’s a whole different vibe. I don’t like that at all and I don’t appreciate the fakeness.

So yeah,…I guess it just goes with the territory of being a real one – it ain’t a lot of us out here. Genuine people who do what they do because they care about the people in their lives – no strings attached other than respect and honesty. Like where are the people that’s not using people? Where friendship and relationship ain’t about chasing clout and taking pics of selective events? Where are the people who don’t look at everything like it’s a means to an end? Where are the sincere people!? Like Geesh!!!! What happened to people who treat you the way they want to be treated? At the end of the day, I’m learning that my authenticity makes some fake people uncomfortable and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I guess they ain’t changing the same way I ain’t changing. The lesson in that is – I’m not here to please everyone.

So,…….What’s the main takeaway from all of this? What’s the intention of this anyway? Well first it’s to express myself cause it’s my blog. Lol. Also it’s to help those who feel like you belong everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I absolutely love that Maya Angelou quote. It so resonates with me.

I also want to encourage my platform and my community to stay on a path of kindness even when you see the unkindness of others. Sad to say, but when people think you are nothing and they are something they mishandle you. I’m grateful for the revelation of who inherently values me versus who’s too important or wonderful to respect me or even let their association with me be something they are proud of. I am not in need of anyone who will share my blog or anything that I do after someone they respect does. I don’t need or look for pseudo support. No thanks to fake love. If you believe in people you should show it even if they’re not popular or endorsed by the masses.

I’m hopeful that all the grandiose people find themselves and the people they actually respect. I on the other hand will take my bow and fall back in some spaces and places. I often say a horse isn’t valued at a car dealership but if you take that same horse to the Preakness everyone there will see it’s value. Find places and spaces that treat you as the worthy and valuable gift that you are. Then you’ll begin to see it was never you that was the problem- it was just the environment you were in that was keeping you down.

I’m looking for relationships that value and embrace me back and I’m learning to accept the way things are. I’m not going to force myself on anyone ever. Let me know if you value me (and people do that everyday) and then we can move forward. “But the minute I see some dissonance in what you say to me privately and how you handle me publicly- it’s a wrap.I’m too good to be treated like I’m not. Took me half a century to learn that but I understand it now.

Sherry Grant 2022 copyright ©

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: